I fell in love with computers right away because of video games. It was pure magic for a 12 year old boy. Computer science is a very peculiar science, unlike other sciences it deals with material(hardware), abstract(algorithmic ideas) and everything in between(softwares that wield the hardware). Each of those things are equally fascinating and are tiered in their own fashion. I was not exposed to Aritificial Intelligence at that age, but knowing it only increased my fascination, how computing and intelligence are related and all the interesting questions it raises like “is intelligence purely computable?”. So when I try to talk to or dare I say mentor some students, this fascination and enthusiasm takes over, and want them to know everything I know, and see the beauty I see in all this. But I fail miserably and end up feeling bad sometimes even sick because of the failure. This essay is basically an introspection, a public one of why I do this, how I plan to evolve.

I genuinely want the students to learn as much as they can from me, and that is making me tell them a lot resulting in one of these things. They feel overwhelmed and get confused. They get fearful that there is just too much to learn. They think that is all there is too it, killing my intention of getting them involved. Some people might question my experience and knowledge because they feel the things I say are chaotic and disconnected.

I used to rant that most of them want to learn and do something mundane like webapp, chatbot and none of them want to learn the fundamentals of computation, how beautiful it is. I understand it is not fair to expect them to, but how do I curb my enthusiasm and prevent myself from wanting them. When I read an article on computer science that stands out I become mesmerized and I want the everyone to feel the same, but they are not interested in that, and rightly so, why should they. It is my problem wanting everyone to like the things I like. it is impractical, but when I convince myself to be practical and sell what the “customer” wants I feel sick and like I am cheating them.

I know for certain I am not wrong to love fundamentals, conceptual unity, beauty in computation, deep books and articles that rewire how I think. But that love is earned, and valuable, and the mistake I think I am making is where I am trying to put that love. I am trying to put my internal fuel directly into their immediate motivation system, and this almost never works. I have to set a boundary for myself. I am not there to make them love what I love but to give them enough structure that some of them may eventually discover it themselves. Those are two different goals. I have been unconsciously holding myself to an impossible standard. “If they don’t feel awe, I’ve failed.” This is what makes me feel I failed.

I must understand that few things from their side. (i) not everyone has internal compression for what you’re saying, (ii) they hear many truths without a dominant thread. (iii) they can’t tell what is essential and what is optional. Hence they might also fear "If this is the starting point, I will never catch up”. It is because expertise without visible scaffolding looks like chaos.

I need to curb my enthusiasm without killing it. Instead of wandering all over in front of them, I should use other outlets, my private notes or a public blog post. Expect them to absorb all of you is recipie for distaster. This expectation is the source of pain.

Become a Salesman. Selling everything at once is not honesty, it’s flooding their mind without structure. It is cruel, do not do that.

I fell in love with computation on day one but that is nurtured by years of continued work and study. Expecting that to be transferable is unfair, to them and to me. Here is the harsh truth. Most students are not ready for beauty. That does not mean beauty is wasted. It means timing matters. Someone who must transmit beauty, must be a gardener who prepares soil well enough that beauty might grow later, weeks, months, and sometimes years. You will never see most of it bloom. That is part of the life. It will hurt, yes, but it is not cheating.

So here is the letter to my future self.

-—

This letter exists for moments when I feel sick, conflicted, or dishonest while teaching. It is written to remind me of the why I do this, what I am responsible for and what I am not. It is not a promise to anyone but a contract with myself.

You want to teach because computation is beautiful, because these ideas compress reality, and there is joy in seeing many things collapse into one clear structure. You do not teach because, everyone must love what you love, or to reproduce yourself, to be even admired. Teaching for you from here onis not transmission of awe, but preparation for possible discovery. You are responsible for clarity not completeness, sequencing not dumping, safety not brilliance, giving them usable footholds. You are also responsible for ensuring that, they know what is expected, can act on it and can tell what matters now. If they feel lost, overwhelmed or inferior you have failed in structuring, not in capacity or morality.

You are not responsible for, making students love fundamentals, inducing wonder on demand or being fully understood in real time. The following are not your moral failures but they are facts.

• Beauty cannot be forced.
• Understanding cannot be rushed.
• Interest cannot be negotiated.

Your enthusiasm is real, intellectual hunger is real but this is not the place to unload your inner landscape. The classroom is a scaffold, your private fascination belongs elsewhere. They belong in my notes, in advanced sessions, in conversations with peers. You must not demand that anyone carry what you carry. You must learn to be a salesman, even when money is not involved. Selling is not cheating. Repeat after me. Selling is not cheating. You are not selling lies. You are sellling entry points. A good salesman is like a bookseller, doesn’t sell the entire library, but recommends the book that opens the door, knowing the reader may return for harder books later. Or not. Both are acceptable.

Remember, “Truth has timing.” what is true too early feels false, what is deep too soon feels cruel. Structure and sequence the truth. It is not manipulation but is compassion for both you and your students. Tell it yourself “There is much more depth here than we will cover. I care deeply about it. But I will be selective and practical on purpose.” Notice that it is “will” not “must”, without accepting you cannot will your self. Think about it like this, when you want to garden you can prepare the soil, remove obstacles, make sure enough sunlight is reaching. Growth happens later, unseen, elsewhere. The garden may bloom or may not. That is not failure. Same thing applies to teaching. Do not punish students for not being you, and do not punish yourself for being you.

Slow down and choose one thing to teach. Teach clearly. Leave doors open. Walk your own path without dragging others behind you. That is the work.

And promise me that you will reread this letter when you find yourself sick and feel like you are cheating